


When You Love Someone (그렇더라고요)

by loversindisguise



Category: Kill Your Boss (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Discussions of death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Noah is sweetheart, Spoilers, yes the title is a day6 song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:01:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29397345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loversindisguise/pseuds/loversindisguise
Summary: “I want to cry for youI want to hurt instead of youI don’t want any scars in your heartEver again”It hurts to see him hurting. It hurts to see him in pain. But what hurts the most is knowing that he’s been wearing a mask of indifference over that sorrow for quite some time. It’s knowing that he’s had to quell his sobs and tame his emotions each and every single time. Because there were losses on the battlefield every day, but none would be so jarring as the loss of your past self – the life you once had, and the one person who reminded you of that.
Relationships: Alex Miller/Noah Young
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	When You Love Someone (그렇더라고요)

**I.**

_“It was a really hard day today  
My heart aches for you  
The only thing I can do for you  
Is to be next to you, I’m sorry”_

  
He’s in the middle of encrypting information when he hears _it._ The short beep that lasts for approximately three seconds, accompanied by three vibrations which occur in succession. It’s not a sound which occurs often – sometimes he goes on for _weeks_ without hearing it, and those few weeks are spent pacing his bedroom after he’s been clocked out for the day.

  
He can’t help it.  
  


There’s always been this static prickling his skin whenever and wherever _he’s_ concerned. An anxiety looming at the back of his mind as he assumes the worst. A heavy ache in his heart as he realizes that there’s only so much he can do. That he can only exchange those coded messages with him and hope that they make him smile – if not for long, then at least for a while.  
  


_He has a beautiful smile.  
  
_

Swiveling in his seat, he shifts to the other laptop on his desk.  
  


**_(Leo is dead)  
  
_ **

He stares in disbelief at the screen. “Leo is… dead?” he mutters aloud, fumbling with the keys.  
  


**( _You must be devastated… Are you all right?)  
  
_**

The mental wellbeing of the CIA’s agents isn’t his concern, but his heart still races at the sight of his message from before. Because death is inevitable. Not every agent emerges unscathed from an operation. Some are left with wounds which may never heal – both mentally and physically. He just doesn’t want Alex to be one of them.  
  


The green light at the corner of his screen blinks, indicating that the person on the other end has seen his message.  
  


Noah’s never lost someone important to him, but he _does_ understand that a close encounter with death may lead to some uncomfortable realizations – that Alex might be contemplating his own worth at this very moment. He keys in another message.  
  


**_(I hope you can come back to HQ ASAP)  
  
_ **

Only a few seconds have passed when he receives a reply.  
  


**_(I feel the same. I want to go back ASAP)  
  
_ **

He gnaws on his lower lip. He’s supposed to be extracting information from him – acquiring the unpleasant details of what transpired and _how_ Leo died, but he doesn’t want to. Not yet. At least, not until Alex feels better.  
  


**_(Is it because you want to see me?)  
  
_ **

It’s a bold question to ask, especially since he’s certain that Alex doesn’t even remember who he is. But he asks it regardless, biting back a smile when he sees his response.  
  


**_(I’m sorry?)  
  
_ **

It’s nothing more than a few messages exchanged back and forth between the two of them, but he can’t help but wonder if Alex is blushing as hard as he is right now.  
  


**_(Well, you said you feel the same, so I just assumed)  
  
_ **

He regrets typing out those words the moment he taps the ‘send’ button. _Time for damage control_ , he sighs, hurriedly typing up another reply.  
  


**_(Sorry, just pretend I never said that. I just wanted to lighten you up a little. Back to work. How did Agent Brooks die?)  
  
_ **

A minute of silence passes between the two of them.  
  


**_(Agent Miller?)  
  
_ **

**_(I have to go. Logan’s here)  
  
_ **

He scowls at that. Clenches his fists as the flickering green light at the corner of his screen fizzles out completely. He’s alone again.  
  


Still, it wouldn’t hurt to send him one last message. Until he’s able to contact him directly again, that is.  
  


**_(Take care. Be safe)  
  
_ **

He stands up.

* * *

**II.**

_“You’re so pretty when you smile  
So every time you lost that smile  
Even if I have to give my all  
I want to give it back to you”  
  
_

_It hurts to see you hurting.  
  
_

Noah realizes this as he watches him curl into a foetal position. His blond hair is caked with dry blood, and his arms are bruised. They’d outrun the cops, but it was an operation that’d come with the realization that they were running out of time. That they hadn’t made much progress.  
  


Alex is stoic; his face doesn’t betray what he’s feeling, and Noah supposes that being an agent does that to you – that you lose your privilege to be expressive and to wear your heart on your sleeve. But his shoulders are shaking, and his clenched fists are trembling.  
  


There’s only so much you can do for your loved ones when they’re hurting.  
  


But that won’t stop him from trying.  
  


He sits beside him. Tentatively occupies the empty space, and hopes that what he’s about to say won’t make him feel worse. It’s a gamble he has to take. The thought of helping him gives him courage to say what’s on his mind.  
  


“Agent Miller, do you remember? That time when we were trained in negotiations with the target? I think it was a bank robber.”  
  


It takes a minute for him to get through to Alex, who furrows his brows in confusion. “Why’re you bringing that up?”  
  


“Jackson was in the middle of ruining the negotiation. He asked the robbers if they wanted a chopper,” Noah continues, hesitantly tucking Alex’s hair behind his ear. When he sees that Alex is neither repulsed nor made uneasy by his touch, he combs his fingers through his hair instead. He wants him to calm down. “But then, you saw that and you stepped in.”  
  


Alex’s eyes are on him – it’s a sharp gaze, one which seems to pierce through Noah’s defenses, making him feel more vulnerable than ever. But he doesn’t want to stop. Not until the burden on Alex’s shoulders has eased for a little bit.  
  


“You said that you’d help them move for each hostage they released. You said you’d guarantee that they’d get their loot. After that, you commanded the special forces and they were all arrested.” His cheeks feel warm, and he hurriedly averts his gaze. But he _knows_ that Alex is watching him. “That was really cool. Don’t you remember that?”  
  


“I do. But why’re you bringing that up so suddenly?”  
  


He looks somewhat embarrassed. “Even in situations which seemed to lack a solution, you’ve always done your best, right? You never gave up.”  
  


“…”  
  


“You’re the best. You even outdid me and came out on top at the end of the training period. The great Agent White was probably— no, she was _definitely_ jealous.”  
  


“That’s going too far,” is what Alex murmurs, rolling his eyes good-naturedly.  
  


He considers it his reward when he sees a faint smile curl the corners of Alex’s lips upward. “Ah, but you smiled. You smiled just now, right?”  
  


Alex’s shoulders are shaking, but now it looks as though he’s struggling to stop himself from laughing aloud. “I smiled because it was ridiculous, Young.”  
  


“But you _smiled_ ,” Noah mumbles, rubbing his clammy palms on his trousers. “Ah, really, you’re so pretty when you smile. Why don’t you smile more often when you’re so pretty? It’s a shame.”  
  


This time, not even all of Alex’s willpower can stop himself from barking out a laugh. “Thank you.”  
  


He looks at him then – at the way the light seems to have returned to his brown eyes; at the way his lashes are long, fluttering as he stares at him with a look which Noah thinks might be fondness; at the way his lips seem to beckon to him; how he looks more kissable than ever.  
  


“Regardless of the situation, no matter what happens, I’ll always get you to smile when you’re with me.”  
  


Promises aren’t always meant to be kept, but this is one promise he’ll never break.

* * *

**III.**

_“I hope I can be a little helpful at least  
I hope I can be your resting place  
I’ll try to make you feel at peace  
Whenever you think of me during your busy days”  
  
_

_It hurts_.  
  


He closes his eyes.  
  


_It hurts so much_.  
  


He bites down on his lower lip to stop himself from crying out. He won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that he’s in pain.  
  


_I hope he’s okay.  
  
_

But the pain is intense; a fiery, scorching heat envelopes his leg, stopping him from dodging the next kick aimed at his midriff. So he endures it. There’s not much he can do when he’s incapacitated. Not when the members of the gang are hell-bent on “disciplining” him – as per their leader’s instructions.  
  


He tastes blood on the tip of his tongue, but the only thing he can think about is how Alex’s lips were soft when they’d kissed. When he’d blown air into his mouth. He can only think about how he’d only closed his eyes and entrusted his body to him, allowing him to guide him toward the surface.  
  


Alex, with his clipped comments and his sarcastic remarks, rolling his eyes good-naturedly after Noah’s attempts to cheer him up. Brave and beautiful. Always emerging victorious. Like a warrior, dazzling and ruthless when the situation calls for it, but unexpectedly tender when they’re curled up in each other’s arms.  
  


He chokes on a mouthful of blood, coughing out as someone shouts from behind him. Stares in disbelief as they fall to their knees, cowering under someone else’s furious gaze. Fearful of an unprecedented threat.  
  


He can’t see clearly, but he knows it’s him. “You— why did you come back?” he whispers, his voice hoarse. “You could’ve died.”  
  


“Noah,” the newcomer says, cupping his scratched cheek. The tips of his fingers are rough with callouses, but he doesn’t mind it. It’s the most comforting touch he’s felt in a long time.  
  


“You were… supposed to leave me. That way you’d be safe.”  
  


“I can’t leave without you.”  
  


Noah looks at him then, touched by his words. He sees how his hair is mottled with traces of dried up blood. He can even smell the gunpowder on his hands.  
  


“Let’s go home.”  
  


“Home is where you are.”  
  


Alex huffs out a quiet laugh at that. “You’re hurt, and you still want to joke around?”  
  


“I promised I’d make you smile, didn’t I?”  
  


Taken aback by his words, Alex stares at him for a while before he offers him a private smile. “You don’t need to go that far. I always smile when I’m with you. I always smile when I think about you.”  
  


In his arms, he feels safe.

* * *

**IV.**

_“You’re such a soft-hearted person  
Every time you are silently in pain  
Even if I have to give my all  
I want to make you smile again”  
  
_

He’s been enduring it for a while now. Noah’s no fool – he knows that Alex hasn’t been given time to grieve. Because time is a privilege for agents like them, who put their lives on the line to make sure that every mission is a success. To die for honor and duty. But he also knows that there’s only so much a person can take before they break.  
  


He feels helpless. Words and actions may alleviate the pain for a while, but nothing may truly mend the hurt left behind by the loss of a loved one. Even now, as he watches over Alex’s huddled form, those common words of momentary reassurance die on the tip of his tongue. With every quiet sob that parts Alex's lips, he realizes that there’ll always be a void left behind which he can’t fill.  
  


But it hurts to see him hurting. It hurts to see him in pain. But what hurts the most is knowing that he’s been wearing a mask of indifference over that sorrow for quite some time. It’s knowing that he’s had to quell his sobs and tame his emotions each and every single time. Because there were losses on the battlefield every day, but none would be so jarring as the loss of your past self – the life you once had, and the one person who reminded you of that.  
  


Tentative steps bring him closer until they’re seated beside each other. But Noah doesn’t say a word. Because, sometimes, the greatest comfort you can give to a person in mourning is the reassurance of there being someone who still sees them for who they are. Though his arms ache with this indescribable longing to embrace him, he holds himself back.  
  


But, much later, once Alex has allowed himself to hurt and to heal from what might be a fraction of his grief, he raises his head to look at him. Warily. Fearfully. As though he’s scared of being rejected.  
  


“Can I touch you?” Noah asks, his fingertips ghosting over Alex’s bare arms.  
  


Alex nods.  
  


Warmth spreads from their bodies once they’re pressed against each other. Noah combs his fingers through his hair. Whispers reassurances to remind him that he’s still there – that he hasn’t lost everything. That there’s someone who can see him for who he really is – not the agent looking to kill, but a man so devoted to his cause that he’d lost a part of himself along the way.  
  


Noah holds him until he can breathe again.  
  


“I’m sorry,” Alex whispers, his voice hoarse.  
  


“It’s okay,” Noah says, stroking his hair. He presses his lips against his forehead. “You can cry.”  
  


He closes his eyes. For the first time in a long while, Alex smiles.

* * *

**V.**

_“I want to cry for you  
I want to hurt instead of you  
I don’t want any scars in your heart  
Ever again”  
  
_

Noah’s no fool; he’d known all along that he was past the point of no return – that both of them could never return to the lives they’d led before Operation Footless Bird. That might be why his first instinct was to shoot her in the leg. Only after she’d crawled away from them both did he see what she’d done. It was enough to make him see red. To make him regret not shooting her in several vital points so that she’d bleed to death.  
  


Even now, as he supports Alex’s exhausted body with his own, he recalls the hideous look on Aria White’s face as she’d brought the lighter closer. Toward Alex’s calloused fingers – now burnt.  
  


“I’m sorry,” is what he says, biting down on his lower lip to contain his emotions from spilling out – from overflowing until they’d clouded his sense of judgment for the night. But, try as he might, he can’t stop the tears from mapping out their lines in history on his cheeks. He needs to keep it together. If not for himself, then at least for Alex, whose skin is pale and whose forehead is clammy with sweat.  
  


That’s when he hates himself the most. For not being able to conceal his emotions. For wearing his heart out on his sleeve. For being several seconds too late to alter fate.  
  


“I’m sorry for crying,” he says, looking so lost and so, _so_ afraid. “I’m scared. Scared that you’ll leave me. That I won’t be able to see you ever again. But you’re the person feeling the most pain, so why am I—”  
  


Alex inches closer, and Noah almost flinches when his lips touch the corners of his eyes. Tenderly.  
  


“I won’t… leave,” he responds, his face contorted in pain as he kisses his cheek. “No matter what happens, I’ll hold on.”  
  


Just like that, they huddle against each other for warmth. That’s when Alex breaks the silence once more, speaking in a hushed whisper as though they’re in danger of being discovered.  
  


“I’m scared too…”  
  


He holds him closer. Manoeuvres him into a more comfortable position, so that Alex is resting his head on his shoulder. “Of the CIA?”  
  


Alex huffs out an exhausted laugh. “I wish. No, what I’m scared of is something far more terrifying than the CIA.”  
  


Noah doesn’t say a word.  
  


“I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared that you’ll get hurt. I’m scared that you’ll lose everything, because of someone so trivial like me.”  
  


“Don’t say that,” he breathes out. He watches him from the corner of his eye, not trusting himself to speak. “God. Alex, I could never lose everything. You want to know why?”  
  


Alex closes his eyes. “You sound so certain…”  
  


“I am. Because I have you. Alex, _you_ are my everything.”  
  


He kisses him on the mouth – a faint promise of what’s to come, flickering as a candle trying its best to stay alight in the midst of a storm. 

* * *

**VI.**

_“When you love someone  
So much that it overflows  
It’s so amazing  
Because this is how it is.”  
  
_

He never regretted it.  
  


From the moment he’d awakened to a hospital room to the few seconds after he'd realized how everything was a blur, he’d never once regretted what he’d done. There was no certainty that they’d make it out alive – that the drug wouldn’t kill them both, but he’d made sure to swallow most of it. So when the sirens had drawn closer and his conscience had left him, the only thing he took with him as he retreated deep into the recesses of his mind was the warmth of Alex’s hand clasped tightly around his.  
  


He didn’t fear death; what he feared was living in a world without Alex. A world without his clipped comments and his sarcastic remarks, which only seemed to hide how soft-hearted he was on the inside. A world without the crease in his brows as he’d anticipate his opponent’s next move in a game of chess. A world without his tender smiles – a world so lonesome and grim that he simply refused to think about it.  
  


_If anyone had to die, it would be me,_ was what he had decided.  
  


But there’d been someone by his bedside when he woke up. There’d been a familiar warmth which had passed from a calloused palm to his own. A subtle squeeze which he’d recognized instantly.  
  


_“Noah.”  
  
_

His lover’s voice as he’d uttered his name, choked up with emotion, sounded beautiful as ever.  
  


Vaguely making out the contours of his face, he guides his hand to the place where Alex’s eyes are. Feeling around the corners, he inches closer, wiping away his tears with his kisses. “I’m here,” he says, his voice hoarse.

_  
"I’m home.”_

**Author's Note:**

> me: ah, i posted one noah/alex fic, now time for a break  
> my brain: okay but what if you write this fic based on a song by day6???  
> me, sobbing as i type: fuck it, here we go again. /lh
> 
> here's the link to the song! I think it expresses Noah and Alex's dynamic really well!  
> https://youtu.be/qWQ1xOfUNYQ


End file.
